Our Dog

 17 days ago our dog Luke died. He died on Maya's birthday.  Nice memory from your seventh birthday, right? It couldn't be helped.  He was old for a big dog.  Eleven. We got him when he was two, and Lilly was two and Allie was six months old.  The family we got him from was dog sitting for a friend who said, "we don't want him back, just let him go."  They didn't, and for that we were lucky.  We drove two hours to go meet him-when we got there, we were greeted by a gigantic, long legged, growly beast.  He was protecting his family and we were intruders.  I thought for sure Will would say no, but he immediately wanted him,  I wasn't completely convinced, but I liked him enough (the dog and my husband) so I said yes and we took him home.  He paced the house the entire first night home-he didn't lie down until 2:00 in the afternoon the next day.  I was worried that we'd made a mistake. I was wrong. I've never been more wrong.  He was the most amazing dog for nine years.  He was also a jerk.  He would pee on things, steal from the garbage, and in the beginning he would run away if someone left the front door open, and he liked to run down the center line of our road.  He settled down after about two years...He became the BEST dog.  He was MY dog.  I mean he was all of ours, but he was my dog. And I complained about cleaning up poop and trash, but he was totally worth it. He was the sheddiest dog I've ever known.  He was like 12 dogs shedding in the springtime. All. Year. Long.  He was fiercely protective of us.  All the kids, even the ones who don't live here, became his as soon as they entered our yard.  Luke would not let anyone get between him and any kid.  He would put himself in front of any child and stay there if a person he didn't recognize walked toward her.  It wasn't until I told him it was okay that he would relax.  He hated the mail carrier. Hated her.  We actually got a dangerous dog notice put in the mail roster-you know, the one that says "do not deliver mail if the dog is out"?  We all found this hilarious as he would never ever bite anyone, but he sure did put on a good show.  The Chinese food delivery guy used to bring him biscuits, and he'd let him right in the front door.  He was a good guard dog unless there were treats, and then forget it.  He loved to be outside.  Loved the cat.  Loved all of us. He and Ned had something sweet. He'd call, "Woookiee, woookiee wooookeeeee!" and that dog would come every time.

They would lie together on the floor and share meals. And yes, it went both ways. My boy loves dog food, and my dog loved boy food, so it worked out well. He was the most loyal dog I have ever met. He started going down hill just after he turned eleven in March.  I could tell the time was coming for him to go.  He wasn't eating, was unable to hold down even water at times, and was having trouble getting up.  It is such a hard call to make, especially when he seemed mostly okay if he was outside.  it was the back and forth- he's fine, no he's really not, okay maybe...but that Friday morning, Maya's birthday, I knew.  I woke up that morning and he just looked different.  He wasn't himself anymore.  I called the vet that afternoon to make an appointment to bring him in and let him go the following day.  The woman who answered the phone was very kind and said that if we needed to bring him in sooner, to call.  I mostly laughed at her and said he'd be fine until the next day. We got home about 3:00 (Maya and her friend Ryleigh had skipped school to have a day of birthday fun) and waited for the bus to bring everyone else home.  Our house is the neighborhood bus stop, so we usually have a dozen or so kids here every day after school until between 4:30 and 5:00.  We absolutely love this.  I let Luke out when we got home and he seemed okayish.  I knew I had made the right call in scheduling him for the following day, but he seemed more himself than he had that morning.. I got the camera out to document Maya's Birthday fun with her friends, but also to get a few shots of Luke.  He barked as the bus turned the corner just like always, and trotted to the gate to greet everyone.  He made the rounds checking on who he was in charge of that day and then settled into the afternoon.  We were having cupcakes and playing when I noticed that he was having trouble walking.  He looked drunk and kept falling sideways.  It was upsetting.. It was bad enough that several of the kids started to cry-even the ones who don't live here. I called the vet and told them we needed to come in immediately.  It was awful.  We were all in various states of weeping, trying to hold it together and say our goodbyes.  I am convinced that he waited.  He waited for His kids to get home, to make sure they were okay, to say goodbye.Will took him to the vet and I stayed with the kids.  It was not the best time.  We talked about what we'd like to do to remember him and decided to buy a Hydrangea plant to put where he used to hang out in the garden.. We finally got it planted last night, and it looks awesome.  We have such a nice way to remember him now, to be reminded of him when we're in the yard, his favorite place to be.

Balancing elf

Elf Hanging Out

Hanging in there until the toys are made...

Day 8

Tired of dining alone, he invited his best dog friend to join him, and served her a snack using the good china.

Elf off the shelf day 7

Naughty elf with a sidekick.

Elf off the shelf day 6

Discouraged by the lack of actual snow, our elf took matters into his own hands.

Elf off the shelf day 5

Day 5



Someone wanted a snack.

Elf off the shelf

By now we all know the December tradition of elf on the shelf. We wanted to shake things up a bit with Ned as the elf off the shelf. Over the next month, we will be recreating popular elf poses, making up some new ones, and generally having fun. And yes, we already owned the suit. Don't ask.

Day one


Day 2


Day 3


Day 4

Learning

I'm not sure how to even start this other than saying that we are learning so much.  So so so much.  We are currently a family of seven.  Seven. Foster care is an incredibly unique place to be.  For the children. for the parents, for the families all around.  You instantly have this new personality in the mix who you had nothing to do with raising, teaching, guiding, loving.  And then BAM. It's all you.  I am going to be brutally honest here.  It has not been fun.  It has been harder than hard.  I never thought I would dread getting up in the morning for so many mornings in a row.  I never dreamed that a two year old could make me feel this way. Not to mention I cannot even begin to fathom how hard it has been for him to have everything, everything he has ever known gone in a matter of minutes. So we have been at it for nearly seven weeks, and now things are changing.  We are all learning.  We have been intensely therapeutic.  Intentional in every single action and expression.  Unwavering in showing love, even if we were faking it.  And in the beginning, oh, we were faking it.  It is hard to have loving feelings for a child who does nothing but scream and spit.  It is hard to show love to a child who just cries and whines and throws things for hours on end.  Who grunts instead of using words.  Who dumps full bowl of cereal on the floor because it isn't the thing he wants for breakfast.  Who hits and bites and headbutts the children who already live here and makes them feel unhappy. Oh, it is hard.  But after a few weeks of non stop work, modeling every second, showing much kindness, and making expectations crystal clear, things started to change.  More smiles, less screaming.  More acceptance of hugs and cuddles, less things thrown across the room.  More following direction, less trying to get a reaction for things that he knows are unacceptable.  Less testing, more playing.  And something else has changed.  My girls have all gone from frustrated, shocked girls and have made this incredible leap to involved, caring, tiny little therapists.  It is the most awe inspiring thing I have ever seen.  They have gone from telling me they just want to make him go to bed, to showing him the way to act. Modeling for him. They still get frustrated, we all do, but I keep hearing them say over and over again, "he is like this because no one taught him how he is supposed to be." and "We have to teach him that he is safe" and even, "I'll be sad when he leaves".  I watched Lilly this morning peel a Clementine and feed him each section one at a time, and with each piece she would say, "orange, please" and wait for him to say the words before popping the segment into his mouth, and telling him good job using his words.  She is amazing.  My children have surprised me.  We have all gone from thinking this was super crazy hard and questioning whether or not to do this again, to looking forward to seeing who comes along next.  We are all working hard together to fill in all the holes this guy brought with him and to fill him up with enough love, language and skill to help him along when he goes.  We don't dread the day starting over anymore, and we marvel at the amazing progress he has made.  And it is quite remarkable how far he has come in seven short weeks.  It's kind of remarkable how much we have all changed too. This is hard, incredibly so, and at times completely draining and unrewarding, but oh when the changes come, they make all the hard times seem not so bad, all the frustration becomes a little less.  I've gone from questioning this path, to realizing that it is exactly the one I want to be on.  And the whole family is right there with me, which may be the best part of all.  

Unexpected

Today I took three boys, all between 19 mos and newly two to a Well child check for one of the said boys. Last time I did this, I had to wait 51 minutes past our scheduled appointment time before the doctor came in.  Thankfully this isn't usual practice, but it was not fun.  So today I over prepared.  Snacks, toys, puppets, and smarties in case things got dire, therefore ensuring they would be running right on time and I would need none of the things I had packed.  We got in and out quickly. One shot for Neddie, and holy cow he is actually in the 55th percentile for both height and WEIGHT!! you guys, this has been our biggest challenge and he is now doing so so well.  Thank you heavy cream.  So we checked out and I drove to the nearest McDonalds for burgers for the boys as a treat.  I decided to pay for the person behind me.  When I got to the window and told the cashier I wanted to pay for the next person she told me they had just ordered a coffee.  A measly 1.07. I told her I'd like to pay for the person after that as well.  2.66. of course.  So I paid for all three orders, not breaking ten bucks, and drove through.  We picked up our food and I drove to a parking lot adjacent to the McDonalds to hand out the burgers.  Now we drive a giant red Suburban, so its not like we are inconspicuous, but I parked next to a big van anyway.  I hate for people to feel like they have to say thank you if they see me.  I got out of the car to hand a burger back to the third row, and as I am walking back around, the car from behind me in the drive thru line pulls up next to me.  The lady gets out and approaches me and asks me if I was just in line in at McDonalds and did I pay for her.  I told her yes and she starts bawling.  You guys, she was crying so hard and asked me if she could hug me.  Now honestly two things went through my mind. 1. She's going to take my car and my kids, and 2. Holy crap this lady needs some help.  I decided it was probably number two and let her hug me.  She was sobbing that uncontrollable no breathing cry.  My heart was hurting for her but I didn't know what was wrong.  I asked her what I could do to help her.  She told me there was nothing that I could help her with, but that she had just gone through Cancer surgery, her Mother had just passed away, and that her Dad had died in April.  She said that she was having such a hard time with all of it, that it was all too much, and that last night she prayed to God that He would show her that she should still have faith.  Now, I am not revealing my own religious views, but this lady needed a sign, and for her, having a stranger buy her a coffee anonymously was that sign.  She thanked me profusely, hugged me again and walked back to her car.  You guys, this coffee that I was so bummed wasn't "more" changed a woman's whole day around.  Made her weep right there with a stranger in a parking lot.  She gave me a lot to think about today.  I am so glad I stopped, so glad I thought to pay for a stranger, so glad I had a kid in the way back today, so glad I could do something that moved someone today.  Today is a good day.

The Story of Ned

This blog has been quiet for quite some time, but there is a reason for that.  I blog about my family, my friends, the things that I love.  There was a huge part of my life I could not share, until now.  The story is long and somewhat winding, but here it is, the best I can do.

Two years ago at almost this exact time of year I got a phone call from a friend who I knew for a very long time (OK, since I was 2) and due to life circumstances, we had grown apart.  She called me because she had turned her life around and was expecting her first child within a few weeks.  We began speaking and I slowly started to feel good about her again.  Her baby was born in July, seemingly healthy and she was very happy.  After many phone calls and a few weeks, (and a story that I will not share here because it is not mine to share) she asked me if we would care for her son temporarily.  We said yes right away and he came to stay with us. He was five weeks old. Over the next five weeks, we grew to love him and treat him as if he was our own child.  Also during this time, she said repeatedly that she wanted him to stay with us, to grow up with us, to have a Mom and a Dad, to have three sisters.  We said yes to all of that.  And then she changed her mind.  We were heart broken.  We were not sure he would be okay with her, but also had no say in the matter, so with many tears we sent him home.  Thankfully some family moved in with her and all is fairly well now. 

A few weeks went by, and we slowly healed. Around the end of October I could no longer just sit with my thoughts of other children.  I knew that I did not want to carry any more, but that I wanted our family to grow.  My husband, my wonderfully understanding, supportive, amazingly enthusiastic about most of my ideas, jumped right on board.  We would become foster parents.  We attended all of the classes, did all of the fire marshall checks, had a home study, filled out medical forms, set up a bedroom, and finally became licensed foster parents.  We chose to accept up to two children under age 4. We also made it clear that our intention was adoption.  While in foster care, the primary goal is family reunification, case workers generally have a pretty good idea about which way a case is headed.  There are no guarantees, but they usually try to look at the desire of the family (foster only or adoption) if possible when placing children. This whole process took about six months.  We received our license on St. Patrick's day.  Every day the phone didn't ring was disappointing.  We went about our lives, and tried to be patient.  After all, if we weren't getting calls, there wasn't a child being abused or neglected. (Not that there weren't children in trouble, but you know...) 14 days after we became licensed, my phone rang.  It was March 31, early afternoon.  Our home study worker called us and said that a baby boy had been born twenty minutes earlier, gave us as much history and information as she had on the family situation, and asked if we would accept him.  I said yes, without a moment of hesitation.. She told me that someone would call us later that afternoon when all of the court paperwork had been done so we could go up and start bonding with the baby right away.  I ended up calling her back around 4:00 because I had still not heard from anyone, but there was no new news.  Tortuously, we went to bed without having met our little guy, and also under a blizzard watch.  The next morning was Friday, April first and we woke up to school closed, and all state and county government closed.  This meant we would have to wait until Monday to meet our boy!  We live as close as you can get to the hospital he was in and we could not get there to see him because the paperwork hadn't been finished.  It was the longest weekend of our lives.  I have never been so unhappy to have a surprise three day weekend.  April Fools day it was indeed.  We spent the weekend getting ready for his arrival.  We didn't know anything but a first name.  We didn't know if he was a preemie (he was, by six(ish) weeks), if he was born addicted to anything (he was not), if he was healthy(he was, but had some feeding issues being so early).  We just knew that we couldn't wait to meet him and to kiss his sweet face.  Monday finally rolled around and I heard from the case worker around 10:00.  She told me I could head up to the hospital to meet him any time.  I dropped Maya off with a friend and hurried up there.  I arrived about twenty minutes later.  He was in the continuing care nursery, I told them who I was and they sent me right in.  He was alone in a bassinet, all swaddled with a cap on.  He looked exactly how I thought he would.  This is the moment I first saw him.

This baby would change us in so many ways.  He was in the hospital for eleven days and then came home with us.  In the days we waited to bring him home, I spent every moment I could there with him.  Friends and family took our other kids while Will was at work and they weren't at school and I spent hours with him sleeping on my chest, reading Harry Potter out loud so he could learn my voice.  The girls came to visit every day and were so excited to have a baby to hold.  *I am going to break in here and just say that there are parts of his story I will not put here, because he should get to decide who to tell and when and what*

When he came home, due to the circumstance of his case, we had to bring him to visits occasionally, but they didn't last long.  We were falling in love with this amazing boy.  Foster care is hard.  You are asked to give all the love you have to a person who might not get to stay.  It is beautiful, difficult, stress inducing, wildly hard and ever changing, but absolutely worth it.  I developed this insane, intense outrageously bold sense of protection for this little boy, this tiny baby who might not be my son one day. He was today, and I loved him like he was.  It's funny, people say there is no difference in the love for a child who is born to you and a child who isn't.  I disagree.  I love ALL my children equally, but completely differently.  I cannot describe the love I had built for him. Desperate, fierce, consuming are all appropriate and accurate and that is such a scary thing to feel you might lose.  Thankfully, the months went by fairly uneventfully.  The goals for the birth family continued to go unmet, despite many attempts and much support.  In January, When he was nine months old, the judge terminated the rights of his biological parents and we began paperwork to adopt him.  He was definitely a part of our family.  We could not remember what it was like before he came.  We still had visits from his caseworker once a month, and his guardian ad litem every three, but things were smooth going at this point.  There was always a chance that the adoption wouldn't happen, because with foster care nothing is final until it's final, but when we got our court date to finalize his adoption it was a very good day.  We started a countdown 40 days out from our date and our friends all jumped in to help.  This was one of my very favorite shows of support we had along the way.  It means so much that we are so loved by so many.  This has been such a journey.  Many months of never being able to take a deep breath, much love for an amazing little boy, many lessons about giving everything up to the universe and having faith that things will work out the way they were meant to, lots of good thoughts from people we love, and lots of love and support sent to his first family who will miss out on life with the most wonderful boy.  I think about his first mother quite often. I wonder how often she thinks of him, and if she misses him. I always give him an extra kiss when I put him to bed, for her.  Whatever went on in her life to bring her to where she is now, I mourn for her because she is missing out on something indescribable, a boy like no other.  A funny, silly, sweet, truck obsessed, animal loving boy who has lit up our world. 

On July 18, 2012 Ned became our son officially, on paper, and in the eyes of the law. Of course for us he always was. 

Days like this

It's so funny. As parents, we model model model in order to show our children the behavior we desire.  I try so hard to live the life I want my kids to live when they are grown and I am gone.  There has been a lot in the news about bullying lately, and I worry about how this will impact my kids.  I know there will always be mean people, people who just don't care, and people who think they are better than the rest of us.  They are this way because no one ever taught them differently.  In My girl's school, there is a huge anti-bulliyng campaign.  We talk about it often.  They have a program where the teachers catch kids who are being good, and reward them with a ticket.  These tickets are then signed by the kids and put into a drawing for extra game time in the gym at the end of the week(this is a highly coveted activity).  It's an incentive to be extra nice and to do the right thing.  I think the thinking is that eventually the kids will just do the right thing without thinking about it because they have become so accustomed to it.  I like this program because it focuses on the good.  There are many other parts of the program that focus on the bullying part, but for this you need only know that part.  I talk to the girls a lot about how standing by and watching while someone is mistreated is as bad as being the one who is bullying.  I know it's hard to be the one to speak out, but it is so so so important to be the one.
Lilly came home yesterday and told me about her day.  "Mommy, I got a ticket today for helping someone who was having trouble with his reading." so I tell her that I am so glad that she is being a good helper, but that wasn't the end of her story.  "L, this boy in my class has trouble. He has a disability.  He can't focus and can't sit still, and sometimes in music class he sings when we aren't supposed to and gets up and dances around.  He's always getting into trouble.  He never gets a ticket, so I put his name on my ticket so he would have a chance. "  My heart about burst right out of my chest at that point.  I told her how proud I was of her and what an amazing thing she did.  I am so glad that I am getting through to them and that they are doing it, they are being the people who make a difference.  This is an amazing feeling, I am so proud. I have amazing kids.

That was a long break...

Things are moving along nicely here for us. Lots going on, lots of photos I'd love to post, lovely time in life, really.  We are approaching the holidays with a speed I wasn't sure was possible, but here comes Thanksgiving, my favorite holiday, in a few short days.  I love it so much because of it's focus.  Giving thanks.  I love that it's about family, blessings, and delicious food.  At least in our house we focus on those things.  Christmas has turned into one of my least favorite holidays.  The time leading up to it is fine, but that day has gotten so far away from what Christmas originally was and has turned into a giant shopping bonanza, that I just really would rather have another Thanksgiving.  Don't get me wrong, I love how excited the kids get, seeing them on Christmas morning, the joy.  All that is great, but all the stress leading up to it?  No thanks.  This year, I decided to get back to the giving and doing for others.  Now, we try to do this on a fairly regular basis in the form of small kindnesses.  My kids get no bigger thrill than when we pay a toll for the person behind us, or when we take care of someone's breakfast tab and slip out the door before they know it's been taken care of. We always talk about what that person must be thinking when they realize what has happened.  Now I know these aren't grand gestures, nothing life altering for the receiver, but I like to think these small acts are life altering for my children.  They had an event at school where they were asked to bring in food for the less fortunate and to stuff an entire bus full.  My girls all left the house with their bags so full that they staggered under the weight, but all insisted on doing so.  There was no talking them down to a lighter load to carry.  They've asked to do the same thing every day this week.  I love that they have this spirit.  So for the month of December, every day leading up to and including Christmas, we will do an intentional act of kindness.  (I am toying with the idea of doing a 365 project and blogging it, but we'll see) This is not giant stuff, but these are things that will make a difference to someone.  I just think about how it would make my day to have someone in the drive thru line pay for my coffee just so I would have a nice day and I want to give that to others. (My secret fantasy is that I would start by paying for one person and then the next person in line, having gotten their coffee paid for then pays for the next person and so on. I know, I'm such a sap) So here is our list of 25 kindnesses in no particular order except for 25. Some are small, some are bigger, all will make a difference to us and hopefully to someone else. With any of the donation of food or supply donations, kids come to the store and choose what they think will help with some guidelines.

1. Make and deliver cards to a local nursing home (as many as each child wants to make)

2. Cook a meal for a neighbor with a busy schedule

3.Bake Christmas cookies for our neighbors (each child picks a neighbor)

4. put together a few bags with handwarmers, socks, granola bars to hand to people on the street asking for money

5.make a food donation to the soup kitchen

6. Make a food donation to the food bank

7. Make a food/supply donation to the animal shelter

8. Donate socks hats and mittens to the teen shelter

9.adopt a family for Christmas gifts

10. Provide a meal to a family in need

11. Donate clothes and toys to kids in foster care

12. Bake treats and deliver to the fire station

13. Bake treats and deliver to the police station

14.Donate snowpants to the girl's school for kids who dont have them

15. Bring treats to the nurses on the children's unit of our local hospital

16. Pay for the meal of someone eating alone

17. Babysit for friends overnight so they get a break

18.Bring coffee to construction workers who are freezing out there (the kids love to bring popsicles when it's crazy hot)

19. Donate to Heifer International

20. Sponsor a child through Compassion

21. Bring Hot chocolate to the teachers who wait outside for the busses and children arriving to school in the morning

22. Make cards for kids in the hospital

23. Secretly shovel a neighbor's walk

24. Pay for the coffee of someone behind us in line at the drive thru and hope they pass in on

25. Deliver PW's hot cinnamon rolls Christmas morning to our favorite neighbors.


So, that's what we'll be up to in December, but I may start a little early with a few spontaneous additions along the way.

Sunset beach picnic

One of the things on our summer list is a sunset beach picnic.  I rounded up a few of the girl's friends and we headed out.  (I often wonder what people think when they see me out alone with 7 (baby not pictured) children) We had a blast, there is something so magical about the beach in the evening. The kids caught a zillion crabs, with Maya being the bravest of all, called in when a creature needed wrangling, rescuing the six eight and nine year olds in the group.  Played in the icy water, it's still only 60* here, and built some great sandcastles and hopefully memories. We topped off the evening with a trip to our favorite ice cream place.  It really doesn't get much better. We decided to do it again. but to stay until it's dark enough for sparklers and lightning bugs.  Cannot wait!

Summer

What have we been up to?

Mostly this. And loving every second of it.

The rockstar equivalent

At the lake today Maya achieved rockstar status. She caught a big turtle. She was immediately swarmed by no less than 25 kids, all amazed by her capture. I had to escort her back to the spot she caught it and supervise the release so no one caught him again. Seriously rockstar.

Girls Weekend

Girl weekend in Boston this weekend was so much fun! (Steph was there too, but left earlier that morning) We had a blast. We saw tons of Boston, ate amazing food, including Mike's canoli. It was the most laid back, spur of the moment, let the day unfold as it may kind of trip, my favorite. The weekend started when The Laura Case came in on Thursday night and then did family pictures for us on Friday morning. I will never forget this day. It was raining raining raining and we decided to try and get some photos anyway. Lets just say that Laura is amazing. She stood in the rain and whipping wind cheerfully while trying to get the grouchy (this person will remain unnamed for his/her own protection) in our family to smile. Not an easy task. There was a giant frame and tiny car involved, as well as many fake mustaches, I cannot wait to see how they turned out. We met up with Joanna, Liz and Steph later that day and had a fantastic dinner. Warrior Dash ended up not happening for us as it was fah-reez-ing and pouring so hard you couldn't see at times. We warriored our way right back to the hotel and relaxed and then walked around the city after the weather cleared instead. Much better than being cold, wet and muddy. It was like hanging out with friends I see all the time. It was so much fun and so refreshing to be around fun easy going people. We had another great dinner Saturday night. These ladies are funny. Seriously funny. Sunday we went to Harvard Yard and Laura did Liz's family pictures. Liz has the most beautiful family, and sweet, so sweet. We went back to her house for a cookout and relaxed. It was the perfect way to wrap up the weekend. (picture taken in the backyard) Laura and I made a quick trip to Ikea while trying to burn some time before going to the airport. I love me some Ikea. I had the best time and thank all of these ladies for a great time.

So far...
I am short on words, long on fun. This is my favorite favorite time in life. Summer time with my kids who all still want to hang out with me. My house may suffer, but we are all so filled up with joy. These are the best days.

Show me the Family

We have a tiny camp about 2 hours from home, on a fantastic river. We took the kids there for the first time (I'm not sure what we had been doing not going there all these years, but wow, what a bummer. We will be making up for that poor judgement this summer.) and they loved it! We managed one photo on the front porch before we had to go exploring again. Maya found a crayfish in the river, and Will found a walking stick that had been cut by beavers. It was a fantastic time, but now they want to live there.