Balancing, Teetering

It still seems untrue that Irish Grandpa is gone. It's really funny trying to get back in the regular routine after such a life changing event. We are all absolutely exhausted and teetering on the edge of hysterical laughter and hysterical grief. It is really odd to be balancing there. Will's Mom died seven years ago. She also died in December, and also of Pancreatic Cancer. We had much longer with her, after her diagnosis. She fought for a year and a half before she died. On the one hand it was nice to be able to prepare longer, but in the other, it was harder to watch her suffer for so long. The one thing that Irish Grandpa always said was that he didn't want to go out suffering. He didn't. He was comfortable and with his children when the time came. I cannot think about it for too long without crying. I really loved this man like I love the rest of my family. For us there was no your family my family, it was all our family. We discovered after returning from the funeral that we had a few messages on our answering machine from him. I guess it is a blessing that we don't check it very often, otherwise they would surely have been deleted. I am so thankful that I got to have him in my life. The wake had an interesting cast in attendance. There were Iron Workers from his working days, there were neighbors and old friends we haven't seem in forever, and then there were my girls. We decided to let them choose wether or not to attend. They all wanted to go and surprisingly did very well. They all went up to the casket and looked at him and said their goodbyes. We explained to them that it was just his body in there, and that his spirit, what made him Irish Grandpa, was in heaven. I told them that his body was like the car and his spirit was like the passengers. You can leave the car and you are still you, but the car is still there, too. They seemed to get that. I cannot quite believe he is gone.
I made a really great soup the other night. He loved soups, and would always eat more than he should have, leaving him feeling overfull, but he would rather eat the soup and feel that way than not have that second bowl. I couldn't eat that soup without thinking of him. I know he would have loved it and it sort of made it hard to eat, as funny as that may sound.
It is taking a really long time to start living again. Everything feels so unfamiliar. Allie has had a really hard time with Irish Grandpa being gone, but Lilly hadn't said much until two nights ago when she lost it at bedtime. She cried and cried and really let it all go. Lilly is so different from Allie, and a lot like me in her processing of things. She and I are very much internal processors, so I was glad that she was able to discuss things and just cry about them and that she let me be there for her. I know that Will is having a really hard time adjusting, too. His Dad always has been his hero and best friend, so for him, it is doubly painful. I know that time heals, but that doesn't really help now, when everything is still so raw. I wish there was something to help with the healing, but I think talking about Irish Grandpa and making sure we have his picture around is a good first step.